Protecting Teens in Electronic Networks

Written by Julie Fiddler

This article is courtesy of Living with Teenagers.

It’s common knowledge that social networking sites are under intense scrutiny by parents, the government, and the media. It’s also no secret that this is not a new problem. A 2006 article from Wired.com, aptly titled “MySpace Faces A Perp Problem,” points out exactly what makes this site, and similar sites, a dangerous haunt: “A 22-year-old man in San Francisco comes off as a typical college student on MySpace®, professing a love for beat poetry, nature and obscure coffee house bands. His profile doesn’t mention that he’s a convicted child molester.”

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For many teens, the draw of these sites corresponds to their ability to present the world as they want it to be—not as it is. Behind the secrecy of a computer screen, teens can become almost anyone they choose. The friendless loner can be a cool sports enthusiast with 500 friends. The chubby girl with low self-esteem can edit photos to make herself look thinner, find a cute background, and present herself as a popular beauty queen that nobody can resist getting to know.

Unfortunately, kids are not the only ones creating new personas. The same features that attract kids to social networking also attract predators. In 2007, MySpace located and deleted the profiles of 29,000 registered sex offenders. According to recent statistics, the site has more than 110 million users, while Facebook® boasts 61 million active users. In an environment where sex offenders can profile themselves as average, law-abiding citizens, one can’t even begin to guess the true number of pedophiles lurking in virtual environments.

A January 2008 article on FoxNews.com detailed the new security measures MySpace has agreed to enact. In the article, New York investigators said they set up user profiles as 12- to 14-year-olds and were quickly contacted by users looking for sex.

The danger is very real—and very near.

Who Is Looking Out For Our Kids?
Just what are the new safety measures that MySpace has put in place? For one, all users under the age of 16 will automatically have private profiles that no one can view unless specifically invited by the user. Additionally, users that are 18 or over cannot add anyone younger than 16 as a friend without a last name or e-mail address. They also have launched new technology that detects links to pornography sites. When people click on the pornography links, the technology immediately directs them back to MySpace’s homepage.

MySpace also says it is creating a database where parents can submit children’s e-mail addresses to prevent them from setting up profiles. Unfortunately, until such a database is in place, children can simply change their birthdates to make it look like they are older. And for Internet-savvy youngsters, getting around a database could be as easy as creating an e-mail account that is hidden from Mom and Dad.

Experts seem to agree on one thing: the best line of defense is awareness. This means getting personally involved in your kids’ Internet activities. One mother described how her teens were irate when she taught herself how to use MySpace and signed up for an account of her own. They complained that by her adding them as friends, they had no privacy.

That, she says, was exactly what she had in mind. The Internet is not like listening in on your daughter’s phone calls. These sites are like shark-infested waters, and children who are not yet old enough to make fully mature decisions are floating around like fresh bait. Best to jump in the water and teach yourself how to swim.

It’s Not All Bad
While there are horror stories to tell, social networking sites also have their benefits. The majority of the time, students are keeping in touch with classmates and others who share similar interests. A simple search of MySpace yields dozens of Christian teen discussion groups where students give each other spiritual advice and develop godly friendships. Many youth and youth leaders use sites like Facebook to share announcements and inspiration with their friends and students.

These sites also serve as hubs for music lovers who want to keep up with their favorite artists, find tour dates, and so forth. The same is true of actors, authors, and virtually any other group of notables. Social sites can be a place to learn more about hobbies and future careers, as well.

The Internet can be a fun, interactive place where kids can grow, explore, and be social butterflies. Just keep in mind that amid the fun connectivity of social networking, some evil does seek to take advantage of that growth and exploration.

Learn everything you can about your teen’s online life and never stop learning. The key to keeping kids safe is an ongoing virtual education.

Julie Fidler is the author of Adventures in Holy Matrimony: For Better or the Absolute Worst (Relevant Books). She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband, Scott.

Article on Parenting Vs. Mentoring...what's the difference??

PARENT POINTERS: Parenting vs. Mentoring (What's the Difference?)

Jeannie Campbell

October 1, 2009

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." - Proverbs 22:6

There comes a time in every parent's life when he or she must accept one unalterable fact: children grow up.

Yes, it varies child by child, but there comes a time when a parent's role is to step back and help them discover independence. One of the best ways to do this is to transition from parenting to mentoring while the child is still in the house.

In other words: to let go.

Parents, by necessity, take on a huge training role. They potty-train a child and teach them how to dress and bathe themselves. They establish rules and help the child understand them. They usher them into the world of academics, instilling in them values of hard work and honesty. They make themselves available to teach the difference between meaningful relationships and fair-weather friends.

A mentoring parent, however, has a different role. A parental mentor is more like a consultant or advisor, always available for direction and guidance, or like a confidante to approach when no one else is trustworthy or understanding. They give less instruction and listen more. They allow children to figure out for themselves how things are rather than tell them outright. They take a "wait and see" approach rather than an "act now, think later" strategy.

Perhaps this can best be illustrated with two examples.

Shelly grew up in a loving home with parents who invested time with her to teach her about life. She enters high school and develops a friendship with Emma, a girl Shelly’s parents don’t approve of because they heard what Emma did to another girl in the school. Shelly’s parents express their disapproval but allow Shelly to keep Emma’s friendship while they observe from a distance. Shelly comes home one evening in tears because she’s learned that Emma was only using her to get in close with Shelly’s guy friend, Jason. Shelly’s parents let her cry and don’t give her an "I told you so" speech. Instead, they ask Shelly what she learned from cultivating Emma’s friendship.

Pauline grew up in a loving home with parents who invested time with her to teach her about life. She enters high school and develops a friendship with Denise, a girl Pauline’s parents don’t approve of because they heard what Denise did to another girl in the school. Pauline’s parents not only express their disapproval, but they forbid Pauline to be friends with Denise. They monitor her cell phone calls, facebook page, and email to make sure Pauline is keeping up her end of their bargain. While Pauline is away at college, though, she meets a girl who reminds her of Denise and they strike up an immediate friendship away from the prying eyes of Pauline’s parents.

No doubt about it. Teens present a challenge. They aren't fully grown, but aren't children either. Even though it's difficult to tamp down our protective instincts, it's better for a teen to make their mistakes while they are still under the wing of mentoring parents. When a child makes their own discoveries instead of simply being told what to do, the lessons they learn stick better and have lasting effects.

Guyland

Here is a great article I found from the Fuller Youth Institute on ministering to guys...I think it also applies to parents of boys and how to help them engage more in conversation and life in general.

http://fulleryouthinstitute.org/2009/08/just-guys/

Teenagers are like porcupines

I was meeting with a parent the other day and we were talking about her daughter. She was expressing the frustration with a teenage girl who seemed to be pushing her away at every turn. After listening for a while this statement came out of my mouth..."teenagers are like porcupines...deep down they want you to hold them and tell them that everything is going to be alright but every time you try you get stuck by their sharp spines." We both had a little laugh over it, but as I thought about the relationships I have with different teens, it is totally accurate.

I think as parents and youth leaders we really need to approach teenagers understanding this fact. It's not that they don't want to be touched deep down where their hearts are. It's just that with all of the hormonal changes, environmental factors and growth stuff happening, they develop these spines that make it nearly impossible to get to the heart without getting stuck. I get stuck all the time...by bad attitudes, walls they put up to keep adults out, teenage drama, misplaced sarcasm, and awkward looks. I honestly don't think any of those things means "keep out"...I think what it means is that I have to try harder to connect. I think it means that I have to study them, like I would look at a porcupine that I might want to touch, so I can see the places where the spines aren't so sharp or close together. And over time, the spines tend to get more and more dull and I can speak more and more into their lives without getting stuck by any of those things I mentioned.

I'm not sure that those spines ever go away. I know that I still have some and I'm 32 years old. But I think as we really get to know our kids and are persistent in the way we love them (relentless pursuit, just like God pursues us), we learn to navigate the sticky parts and are able to get close again.

Living with Teenagers

As we all know, living with teenagers can be difficult. Pastor Tom showed me this link earlier today and I wanted to share it with our parents. It's a magazine that is focused on different aspects of living with teenagers. It is put out by LifeWay, which is a very reputable source for Christian books, magazines and media sources. Check it out.
http://www.lifeway.com/lwc/mainpage/0%2C1701%2CM%25253D201020%2C00.html

Graduation

I know I have been sparse in updating the blog the past few weeks, but the end of May/beginning of June is always a crazy time. After all, it's the end of something and the beginning of something all in one. In the past two weeks I've been to 3 graduation ceremonies and numerous graduation parties. This weekend we will "graduate" the student ministry seniors with a special "senior edition" of our Sunday morning program. This is always a bitter-sweet time for me as a student minister. I get sad when I think about how over the next three months virtually all of our graduated seniors will launch their new lives...away from this city and our church. And I also get very excited for them as they take their optimistic attitudes off to change the world.

There are a few things I think about every year around this time...and I'd love to share it with you, our parents. The first one is this...time flies! You know this, regardless of whether your child is in 6th grade or 12th grade. Just yesterday you were changing diapers, right? It sure feels like it. But the importance of recognizing that time flies lies in your small window to influence the direction of your child's life. So to this fact I say...don't put off a conversation until tomorrow that you can have today. Before you know it, your 18 year old will be walking out the door to start their adult lives. Most of who your child will become is formed before they are 18, which means it's right now when you speak the most influentially into their lives. So do it. Speak truth to them...even when it seems uncomfortable. Speak love to them...even when they are making mistakes. Speak confidence into them...even when you are uncertain. This time won't last forever.

The second thing I would say is...pray for your kids constantly and talk openly about faith to them. Part of the reason that graduation is bitter-sweet for me is because of a national statistic that you don't hear spoken of very often. Right now in the US, 80% of kids who were actively involved in their youth group and said they would actively pursue faith in college walk away from faith by the end of their college career. Now, I don't tell you that statistic to scare you, but to call you to action. I get to hang out with your kids for 1-2 hours a week, maybe totaling 40 hours a year. You get to hang out with your kids a whole lot more than that. It is proven that kids who talk openly with their families about faith have a much higher rate of pursuing their faith once they hit adulthood. My prayer is that while you have their ear, that you would talk with them about what it means to pursue God in their lives. And pray like crazy for them...that God would become very real to them before they head out into a world that doesn't often celebrate faith.

And the last thing is this...celebrate! Graduation is an amazing time of celebration. I watched tonight as all of the graduates and relatives hugged, smiled and enjoyed the moment. But don't wait until graduation to celebrate your kids. Celebrate them every day. Help them see their value and the value of hard work. Remember...while we are busy making plans for the future, the future comes quickly. Enjoy the moment.

And...congratulations to the class of 2009 (both parents and students)...we are proud of you!!

I just ran across this blog today and thought I would share...I think it's amazing the amount of influence parents really do have on their teenagers...

Parenting Teenagers...Part 3 (http://triangularchristianity.wordpress.com/2008/03/21/parenting-teenagers-part-3/)

I’ve said previously that the purpose of parenting is to create biblically wise adults. I’ve also said that even though God is ultimately in control of creating a biblically wise adult, we have a role to play. This begs another question, how much influence do parents really have?

To put it another way that parents of teenagers will appreciate: do teenagers even listen to their parents? Do parents have any influence over their teen? I know that many parents think their teenagers have tuned them out completely, but that just isn’t true!

The Bible thinks that the parents have a lot of influence. This is evident in Deuteronomy 6:4-9 and the famous Provers 22:6 – “Train up a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it.” Proverbs are not guaranteed promises from God, but they are generally true. Thererfore, it is generally true that if a parent attempts to create a biblically wise adult, the child will become a biblically wise adult.

The world of psychology agrees. The University of Minnesota completed a very important study on parenting styles. One of the findings (though I don’t think it is in the previous link), is that parents have about 75% of the influence in their child’s life.

Finally, teenagers agree. Barna’s research published in Real Teens shows that 78% of teens say that parents have “a lot” of influence in their lives. Only 3% said that they have “none.” Compare this to peers (51% say they have a lot of influence) and pastors (30% say they have a lot of influence). By a significant amount, even teenagers say that parents are the number one influence in their lives.

On a side note, notice what this says about youth ministry. Only 30% of teens think pastors have “a lot” of influence. I work with students and I pray that I’m having an impact, but the reality is, parents are number 1. Some parents “farm out” their children’s spiritual development to the church or the youth pastor. I am a firm believer that pastors play a role and that students should be connected to other Christian adults and other Christian teens, but parents maintain primary responsibility and primary influence. Don’t expect someone else do to your job!

So the point of today is this: You have the greatest influence in the life of your teenager. It may not feel like it all the time, but you do. Don’t give up. You have the privilege and the responsibility of molding them into biblically wise adults!

Thinking Orange

Last week our ministry team took a trip down to Atlanta for the Orange Conference. You might be thinking to yourself, what is "orange"? Well, in all reality, it's a color mix between red and yellow! Yes, your 5 year old probably could have told you that. But why is "orange" relevant to children's and youth ministry? That's a little bit trickier to explain...but I'll try.

An interesting fact that is difficult for me to get my mind around is that as a youth minister I get about 40 hours with your kids...PER YEAR!! With some kids I might get a little bit more, and with some a little bit less, but on average, that is the small amount of time I have to influence your kids. You, on the other hand, get about a gazillion hours with your kids each year. Now if we each did our own thing in trying to help your kids become all that God wanted them to be...we would make some impact. But if we could partner together (yellow and red come together) in this thing, the impact would be multiplied. This is what thinking orange is all about.

It's about sharing our time and our resources so that in the end each of our students is well aware of how much God loves them and desires to be in relationship with them. It's about helping them understand that they are able to make a huge impact on this world and in God's kingdom. And it's about caring for our kids in a community of people...because as well all know, it takes a village to raise a child.

The question becomes...what can we accomplish together as we try to influence this next generation to stand up and make a difference in this world for Christ? I am open to suggestions...I am open to your thoughts...I am excited about the possibility...

My recent prayer

A few weeks ago I was sitting with my small group and we were talking about how difficult it is to live out our faith in this culture. What struck me was how nervous my girls were about what God may or may not be doing in them. They were focusing on the places they were failing to live up to God's standards and how often they were sucked into the world's way of doing things.

My first emotion was excitement. It was encouraging to see them making the distinction between God's way of doing things and the world's way of doing things. I was glad that they could see the difference and that they were recognizing the places in their lives where they were falling short.

Now, in teenage world, the difficult thing is that although they recognize there is a distinction between the two worlds, and they even notice the tension that exists, it doesn't mean that they are going to immediately make the changes they know they "should" make. It means that they will live within that contradiction for quite some time before they figure out that they must make a choice between the two worlds. That thought moved me from excitement to a bit of discouragement because I know that they will make many mistakes before they figure out the benefits and beauty of living in the truth of God's Word. I know many of you parents are in this discouragement stage. I know many of you feel this tension for them and feel like there is little that you can do about it.

But from discouragement my mood went straight to hope. I read this passage to the girls, and then have been praying on it ever since. Philippians 1:4-6 says...In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

I love the word "confident". I love that we can be confident of this in our own lives, but also in the lives of our teenagers. Yes, this stage is difficult...yes, it is frustrating...and yes, God will finish what he has started in the lives of our kids. And that is enough to give me tremendous hope. Today my prayer is for you, their parents, that you carry that hope with you as well!!

The Incredible Easter Story

The Easter story...we've all heard it a million times, right? Don't be so sure. I will never again just assume that becuase someone lives in America, or becuase someone has gone to church their whole lives that they know the story of Jesus' death and resurrection. And I will certianly not assume that they understand all that Jesus did for us through that death and resurrection. Especially not when working with teenagers.

Two quick stories. The first occurred two years ago. I was in a car with a student driving to a soccer game one Saturday afternoon. She was a student who had been around our ministry some, but had not really gotten involved in any of our small groups or discipleship ministry yet. She was a student who had not grown up around church, but surely she knew what Easter was about right? I mean, she had celebrated it every year growing up in an American family. So, I was shocked when I asked her what she thought it was all about and her response was a simple, "I don't know." Wow! Really? You don't know that Easter is about the death and resurrection of Jesus? I suppose I could have understood if she had no clue what that meant for her life...but to not know what it was even about? It threw me off my game a bit. The end of the story is that after that semi-awkward conversation two years ago, this student has accepted Jesus Christ as her savior and has grown a ton in her understanding of who Jesus is. This weekend will be her first Easter as a Christ-follower!!

Second story. I was with a group of teenagers a week ago and asked them if they knew what Palm Sunday was. The answers ranged from "it's about Jesus" to "something that has to do with palm trees." When I pressed them about the rest of the Easter story...they knew some of the basics, but they really didn't know too much about it.

Here's my point. Jesus is the most important figure in history. From a purely secular standpoint we can point to the fact that it is 2009. (If you didn't catch that, our whole dating system changed when Jesus died.) From a Christian standpoint, He is the one on whom our faith hinges. Without the death and resurrection of Jesus, we would have no chance to be with God for eternity. But more and more I notice that our students don't know the story of Easter. They should know the story of Easter.

In the Old Testament, God spoke continuously about the stories that we are to pass on from generation to generation...from a mother and father to their children. We need to be retelling the story. We need to help them to understand the story. We need to be the ones who don't shut up about the story, and how it has impacted our lives. It can make for some very interesting dinner time conversation...so go for it!!

Happy Easter everyone!!

An article from Lifeway Student Ministry...great stuff

Children are not born with instructions. Even if they were, I doubt that many parents would actually read the directions. Most parents, like me, learn from experience. The following four pointers are some principles I’ve used to reduce the parent/teen conflict in my own home and to increase my teen’s involvement in making responsible choices.

Realize Your Own Needs. Parents of teenagers are usually approaching an age of reflection, and this mid-life stage can be a time of personal crisis! Parenting a teen can add to the intensity, as you must face your own issues and those of a budding son or daughter. As a parent, you must come to terms with your own emotions and not transfer these to the challenges of parenting.

Respond Productively to Emotions. Teens are a bundle of emotions, but never discount the vital role of these emotions. Emotions are at the surface, but they offer parents an open line of communication with their teens. This time can assist you in better understanding your teen’s deeper feelings and thoughts.

Too often, parents discount how seriously their teens desire their opinions. Find out what your teen feels is the source of his emotions and talk about it. The source may be real or imagined, but it is serious to him. Choose one meal each day when the family can gather to talk. Use it to build a lasting family tradition.

Focus on Positive Behaviors. Conflicts and disagreements offer an opportunity for parents to help their teen talk through a time of difficulty. This can be a teachable moment for your teen, other siblings, and yourself. They will expect you to criticize what’s wrong, so asking questions and listening can catch a teen off-guard.

A turning point in my own life was when I knew my actions deserved punishment, but my dad responded calmly. We talked through my choices and the natural consequences that would result. This became a defining moment in my own life!

Develop a Plan of Action. Teens have adult bodies with a child’s experience. As a result, they may struggle with knowing how to act on their feelings. The following gives you a way for your teenager to be a partner in developing a plan that you both can agree upon.

Compromise can be a dirty word in theology, but it’s critical in relationships. Parents can move their children toward adulthood by allowing them to negotiate some house rules. This means teaching them to make appropriate choices and weighing rewards and punishments.

Within your expectations, consider what is negotiable: curfews, cell phones, car keys, and so forth. Encourage your teen to begin by praying and to list their wants. You must then explain what you expect. As you talk with your teen, offer possible alternatives and list the punishments for violating the rules.

Once an agreement is reached, put it in writing – signed and dated. This simple exercise can increase communication and reduce conflict.

The front porch may be gone, but the need to talk continues. Allow your experiences and an emphasis on consequences guide you as you guide your teen. Before you know it, you just might have a mature young adult on your hands.


Dr. Larry Purcell is a veteran pastor and counselor, specializing in crisis management and church leadership issues. In addition to being the senior pastor of Second Baptist Church, Hopkinsville, Ky., he also serves as the J.M. Frost associate professor of leadership at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Ky. This article first appeared in the September 2007 issue of Living with Teenagers.

great website

For those of you who have students who will be heading off to college in the next few years, I have a great web-resource for you to help open dialogue with them about real life issues that will face them when they make the move. Just go to www.liveabove.com and check out the different resources available. They have different pages, some for teens and some for parents, to help with the transition. There is also a video-conference you can purchase online with different speakers and topics that are relevant to this transition. Let me know what you think of it.

A new trend to be aware of

This past week two students from a local high school were arrested and questioned in regard to a trend called "sexting". This is a form of texting where students take nude pictures of themselves with their camera phones and then text them out to each other. As parents and mentors of students we really need to be aware of some of the things they are doing and be able to address our concerns about these things with our students. It is very difficult to even buy a phone today that doesn't have a camera on it, and most of our students thrive in communication with texting, but there are a few things parents can do to lessen the chance that their students are invoved in this new battle. First and foremost, talk to your kids about it. Let them know you are aware of what is going on and get their take on it. Open the lines of communication so they are not afraid to come to you if someone were to send them a picture like this. Also let them know your expectations about the types of messages they are sending over text. Having these conversations helps them to know that you are available and open to talking about it. Most teenagers won't want to have the conversation at first, but it is important that you push the issue...not from a "do this...don't do that" mentality, but from the perspective of helping them to see their self-worth and the dangers of getting involved in this type of activity.

As of yet, there are no laws to directly prosecute those who send pictures like this. However, the students who were arrested this week were charged with contributing to the delinquency of minors and the prosecutor is looking to head a charge to get some laws passed directly dealing with this type of behavior.

I also have attached a link to a story from the Today Show about a local teen who hung herself last year after being harassed by a group of students over some pictures she sent to her boyfriend that got out. This is a serious issue that we need to address with our teens!! Please let me know if you'd like more information about it.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/29546030/

A Few Questions To Ask

Like I said last week...in order to lead our teenagers to spiritual maturity, we've got to model this to them out of our own lives. I wanted to toss out a few questions you might be able to ask yourself about your own spiritual life in order to influcence your teenager.

* When my kids look at me, are they learning what it means to love God with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength?

* Do they see me trusting God for guidance and wisdom as I plan the future, run my business, manage my home, and so on?

* Do they see me turning to God when I'm anxious, troubled, or ill?

* Do they see me living out my commitment to Christ by spending time reading and studying the Bible?

* Do they know that prayer is an important part of my life?

* Are they see God as central to my thoughts and actions or just on Sunday morning?

* Do they see a faith that is integrated into every area of my life, including my relationships, my vocation, my spending decisions, my use of leisure time, how I play, and so on?

* Do they see me care for family, neighbors, friends, and the "lepers and outcasts" of the world?

We all have wishes, dreams, hopes and desires for what our kids will become. When you dream about your kids' spiritual futures, don't forget they're learning what place spirituality and faith should hold in their lives - from you.

Eugene Peterson describes it this way: "A parent's main job is not to be a parent, but to be a person. There are no techniques to master that will make a good parent. There is no book to read that will give the right answers. The parent's main task is to be vulnerable in a living demonstration that adulthood is full, alive, and Christian."

Leading your kids to spiritual health #1

Over the next few posts, I'd like to spend some time talking about how to lead your kids to spiritual health. What is spiritual health, you might ask? Jesus defines spiritual health and the spiritually healthy person in Mark 12:30-31 when he says, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your sould and with all your mind and with all your strength." And then he continues, "Love your neighbor as yourself." According to Jesus, living a life of spiritual health is living a life with a commitment to love...God first, and others second.

God has given you a great gift in your teenager. And he's called you to intentionally take the time to raise and nurture your kids in their relationships with God. Many who do this will see their kids grow into spiritual health and maturity. But I also know that we can't force our kids to love, honor and obey God. We can't carry them kicking and screaming into God's kingdom. They are human beings created by God with the ability to make their own choices. For many families, consistent spiritual nurturing doesn't bear fruit in the kids' lives until long after they've entered adulthood. But still, you've been given a specific amount of time to build these values into your children as best you can.

Do you want your teenagers to grow up to be strong in their faith and able to handle all that our world throws at them? Then the first thing to ask yourself is, "What kind of example am I giving them?" This is a question that has the potential to cut us to the core. But...how can we ask our kids to go where we have never been? Where you're at as a parent plays a more significant role in determining what your kids will become than any other factor. You've got to be where you want your kids to be because they'll follow your example.

In Deuteronomy 6, Moses shares God's plan for who should teach God's truths to succeeding generations and how they were to be taught: "These commandments that I give to you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them to your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates." (Deut. 6:6-9)

Who should teach God's truths? Parents who have his commandments written on their hearts and gladly love God with their lives. God, in his perfect wisdom and plan, has chosen to do his work through the family. He uses the family as the primary arena for bringing people to himself. And how are parents to teach? With a diligent commitment to model wholehearted, single minded devotion to God. When God's truths become the central, overriding interest and purpose in our lives, teaching them to our kids will happen almost unconsciously.

So the first step in helping your teenager become a young man or woman after God's heart is to become one yourself. Search the Scriptures for His truth and then begin to live out His truth in your everyday. When your kids see you modeling God's love and truth, they will have a much easier time understanding it and making it a part of who they are.

The Secret Life

This year ABC Family came out with a new show called "The Secret Life of the American Teenager." (You can check it out on www.abcfamily.com) It is kind of an over-exaggerated look at the lives of "typical" teenagers and all the messes they find themselves in. And although I did say it was over-exaggerated, I have been watching it and recognizing some of the stories of our own teenagers in the plot line.

The reality is that the world of a teenager is different than the real world that adults occupy. The worlds obviously overlap to some extent, but as Chap Clark says in his book "Hurt", the teenage culture has created a 'world beneath' where they spend much of their time. This world has it's own language and it's own customs...and for the most part, adults are not welcome in this world. I am going to be sharing a lot about this world in posts to come...mainly because I want to help you to understand some of the actions and reactions your teenagers may be having. And I want to help you step in and interact with your teenagers in this world.

How many of us have ever felt like a teenager in our life is keeping a secret from us? I'm guessing that if you are the parent of a teenager, you feel this way on a weekly basis. They come home from school kind of bummed out and with as much compassion as you can muster you attempt to dig in and find out what is going on. The response? "Nothing", or "I'm fine", or they go in their room and shut the door, which is the universal teenage sign for "Leave me alone."

This is not abnormal. Because teenagers have created this "world beneath", they try to operate as much as possible in it because they understand it. So, when you duck your head in and try to figure out what is going on, they shut the door on you. Their next move is probably to pull out their phone or their computer to talk with friends about whatever happened that day.

Most teenagers are trying to figure out who they are and often times it feels a little suffocating to them to have mom or dad looking over their shoulder. This doesn't mean you don't try. This doesn't mean you leave them alone. It means that you've got to find strategic times to let them know that you are there for them and want nothing more than for them to share with you.

This could mean that you have regular mother/son or father/daughter dates. It could mean that you have mother/daughter time or father/son time every week where you do something creative together side by side. One of the keys to communicating with a teenager is not to put them into a situation where you are sitting across from the table with them and staring at them waiting for them to spill their guts. What seems to work best is side by side activities where they don't feel the pressure of an adult staring at them expecting something. But in the process of the side by side activity, often times teenagers will just open up and start talking because they feel comfortable and non-threatened.

It may take a dozen or more of these dates for them to really share something significant with you, but keep at it, because the result is well worth the time spent. And, in the process, you are able to build into them more than you will ever know. In the end, your influence in their lives is more important than any other influence they might have in this world. So, don't give up just because they push back and try to close you out. They need you...and if you were to ask them anonymously, most of them would say that it means a lot when you put yourself out there to love them.

Experiment

Hi there! I want to introduce myself. My name is Amy Rudge and I am the high school pastor at Horizon Community Church in Cincinnati, OH. I've been working with high school students for over 10 years now in different capacities...8 of those as a youth pastor. I am extremely passionate about high school students knowing Jesus Christ and realizing the amazing plan He has for their lives.

My hope with this blog is that I can help you, the parents of teenagers, to connect and grow with your children. It can be tough parenting a teenager. They go through so many changes during their high school years and often times it's tough to connect with them. I'm hoping to be able to shed some light on different topics and give you ideas of how you can break through the walls and really walk alongside them during this time.

My expertise is not through the experience of parenting, but through the experience of walking with hundreds of high school students over the years...listening to their hearts...and helping them discover who they are in Christ. I don't claim to have all the answers, all I claim is to love teenagers and to try my best to help families connect with one another. I hope you find some of my experiences helpful as you navigate this time with your kids.

Thanks for checking in and please let me know if I can answer any questions for you.

His,
Amy