Article on Parenting Vs. Mentoring...what's the difference??

PARENT POINTERS: Parenting vs. Mentoring (What's the Difference?)

Jeannie Campbell

October 1, 2009

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." - Proverbs 22:6

There comes a time in every parent's life when he or she must accept one unalterable fact: children grow up.

Yes, it varies child by child, but there comes a time when a parent's role is to step back and help them discover independence. One of the best ways to do this is to transition from parenting to mentoring while the child is still in the house.

In other words: to let go.

Parents, by necessity, take on a huge training role. They potty-train a child and teach them how to dress and bathe themselves. They establish rules and help the child understand them. They usher them into the world of academics, instilling in them values of hard work and honesty. They make themselves available to teach the difference between meaningful relationships and fair-weather friends.

A mentoring parent, however, has a different role. A parental mentor is more like a consultant or advisor, always available for direction and guidance, or like a confidante to approach when no one else is trustworthy or understanding. They give less instruction and listen more. They allow children to figure out for themselves how things are rather than tell them outright. They take a "wait and see" approach rather than an "act now, think later" strategy.

Perhaps this can best be illustrated with two examples.

Shelly grew up in a loving home with parents who invested time with her to teach her about life. She enters high school and develops a friendship with Emma, a girl Shelly’s parents don’t approve of because they heard what Emma did to another girl in the school. Shelly’s parents express their disapproval but allow Shelly to keep Emma’s friendship while they observe from a distance. Shelly comes home one evening in tears because she’s learned that Emma was only using her to get in close with Shelly’s guy friend, Jason. Shelly’s parents let her cry and don’t give her an "I told you so" speech. Instead, they ask Shelly what she learned from cultivating Emma’s friendship.

Pauline grew up in a loving home with parents who invested time with her to teach her about life. She enters high school and develops a friendship with Denise, a girl Pauline’s parents don’t approve of because they heard what Denise did to another girl in the school. Pauline’s parents not only express their disapproval, but they forbid Pauline to be friends with Denise. They monitor her cell phone calls, facebook page, and email to make sure Pauline is keeping up her end of their bargain. While Pauline is away at college, though, she meets a girl who reminds her of Denise and they strike up an immediate friendship away from the prying eyes of Pauline’s parents.

No doubt about it. Teens present a challenge. They aren't fully grown, but aren't children either. Even though it's difficult to tamp down our protective instincts, it's better for a teen to make their mistakes while they are still under the wing of mentoring parents. When a child makes their own discoveries instead of simply being told what to do, the lessons they learn stick better and have lasting effects.