The Secret Life

This year ABC Family came out with a new show called "The Secret Life of the American Teenager." (You can check it out on www.abcfamily.com) It is kind of an over-exaggerated look at the lives of "typical" teenagers and all the messes they find themselves in. And although I did say it was over-exaggerated, I have been watching it and recognizing some of the stories of our own teenagers in the plot line.

The reality is that the world of a teenager is different than the real world that adults occupy. The worlds obviously overlap to some extent, but as Chap Clark says in his book "Hurt", the teenage culture has created a 'world beneath' where they spend much of their time. This world has it's own language and it's own customs...and for the most part, adults are not welcome in this world. I am going to be sharing a lot about this world in posts to come...mainly because I want to help you to understand some of the actions and reactions your teenagers may be having. And I want to help you step in and interact with your teenagers in this world.

How many of us have ever felt like a teenager in our life is keeping a secret from us? I'm guessing that if you are the parent of a teenager, you feel this way on a weekly basis. They come home from school kind of bummed out and with as much compassion as you can muster you attempt to dig in and find out what is going on. The response? "Nothing", or "I'm fine", or they go in their room and shut the door, which is the universal teenage sign for "Leave me alone."

This is not abnormal. Because teenagers have created this "world beneath", they try to operate as much as possible in it because they understand it. So, when you duck your head in and try to figure out what is going on, they shut the door on you. Their next move is probably to pull out their phone or their computer to talk with friends about whatever happened that day.

Most teenagers are trying to figure out who they are and often times it feels a little suffocating to them to have mom or dad looking over their shoulder. This doesn't mean you don't try. This doesn't mean you leave them alone. It means that you've got to find strategic times to let them know that you are there for them and want nothing more than for them to share with you.

This could mean that you have regular mother/son or father/daughter dates. It could mean that you have mother/daughter time or father/son time every week where you do something creative together side by side. One of the keys to communicating with a teenager is not to put them into a situation where you are sitting across from the table with them and staring at them waiting for them to spill their guts. What seems to work best is side by side activities where they don't feel the pressure of an adult staring at them expecting something. But in the process of the side by side activity, often times teenagers will just open up and start talking because they feel comfortable and non-threatened.

It may take a dozen or more of these dates for them to really share something significant with you, but keep at it, because the result is well worth the time spent. And, in the process, you are able to build into them more than you will ever know. In the end, your influence in their lives is more important than any other influence they might have in this world. So, don't give up just because they push back and try to close you out. They need you...and if you were to ask them anonymously, most of them would say that it means a lot when you put yourself out there to love them.