What is a tweener?

As recently as a decade ago, ministry specifically to 5th and 6th grade students wasn't even on the radar. Very few people saw the value in it as these students seem to fit naturally into either children's ministry or junior high ministry. While adolescence was once considered a journey between ages 13-18, the transition from child to adult is now considered a 10-15 year process spanning age 10 or 11 to the mid-20's. Kids are beginning to experience "symptoms" of adolescence younger - socially, physically, and emotionally - making 5th and 6th grade "tweeners" feel too old for children's ministry, yet they are still jarred at the notion of jumping into junior high with the 8th grade students.

At Horizon we have come to recognize this fact and last June we set out to help both students and parents of this age group connect and have a place to belong. We started a program specifically for the "tweeners". Just what is a "tweener" you ask? Here are a few characteristics:
* kids between 10-12, moving from childhood to teenage-hood.
* Hitting puberty...or not!
* Concrete thinkers: don't get metaphors and abstract word pictures
* Still like childish things, but often don't want to admit it
* More aware of culture and society than parents think...but face it without critical thought
* In transition! 5th graders are at the top of the elementary food chain...6th graders are flirting with middle school life.

We want to celebrate these differences and love 5th and 6th graders for who they are today, not only with visions of who they were as children or who they will grow to become as teenagers. Caring for 5th and 6th graders is not "heavier" children's ministry or "dumbed down" youth ministry. In this transition students are in between: they will question facts they've always accepted. For the first time a tweener will say, "the Bible is boring to me now" and express frustration with mom or dad, and yet may still play with American Girl dolls and be upset about not being in the children's musical. Parents of 5th and 6th graders are often not ready to start their kids in traditional student ministry - and rightly so- but they will still begin facing adolescent challenges with their kids.

We are excited about these students because they are the future of our youth ministry and our church. And we want to make sure they find their place early and often. We also want to be a resource to parents of tweeners because we know that it is a time of transition for you as well. The unique needs of a tweener parent need to be met in a different way than those of a parent of a child or a teenager. My hope is that more people will join us in the effort to help these students and parents through the transition period.

Protecting Teens in Electronic Networks

Written by Julie Fiddler

This article is courtesy of Living with Teenagers.

It’s common knowledge that social networking sites are under intense scrutiny by parents, the government, and the media. It’s also no secret that this is not a new problem. A 2006 article from Wired.com, aptly titled “MySpace Faces A Perp Problem,” points out exactly what makes this site, and similar sites, a dangerous haunt: “A 22-year-old man in San Francisco comes off as a typical college student on MySpace®, professing a love for beat poetry, nature and obscure coffee house bands. His profile doesn’t mention that he’s a convicted child molester.”

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For many teens, the draw of these sites corresponds to their ability to present the world as they want it to be—not as it is. Behind the secrecy of a computer screen, teens can become almost anyone they choose. The friendless loner can be a cool sports enthusiast with 500 friends. The chubby girl with low self-esteem can edit photos to make herself look thinner, find a cute background, and present herself as a popular beauty queen that nobody can resist getting to know.

Unfortunately, kids are not the only ones creating new personas. The same features that attract kids to social networking also attract predators. In 2007, MySpace located and deleted the profiles of 29,000 registered sex offenders. According to recent statistics, the site has more than 110 million users, while Facebook® boasts 61 million active users. In an environment where sex offenders can profile themselves as average, law-abiding citizens, one can’t even begin to guess the true number of pedophiles lurking in virtual environments.

A January 2008 article on FoxNews.com detailed the new security measures MySpace has agreed to enact. In the article, New York investigators said they set up user profiles as 12- to 14-year-olds and were quickly contacted by users looking for sex.

The danger is very real—and very near.

Who Is Looking Out For Our Kids?
Just what are the new safety measures that MySpace has put in place? For one, all users under the age of 16 will automatically have private profiles that no one can view unless specifically invited by the user. Additionally, users that are 18 or over cannot add anyone younger than 16 as a friend without a last name or e-mail address. They also have launched new technology that detects links to pornography sites. When people click on the pornography links, the technology immediately directs them back to MySpace’s homepage.

MySpace also says it is creating a database where parents can submit children’s e-mail addresses to prevent them from setting up profiles. Unfortunately, until such a database is in place, children can simply change their birthdates to make it look like they are older. And for Internet-savvy youngsters, getting around a database could be as easy as creating an e-mail account that is hidden from Mom and Dad.

Experts seem to agree on one thing: the best line of defense is awareness. This means getting personally involved in your kids’ Internet activities. One mother described how her teens were irate when she taught herself how to use MySpace and signed up for an account of her own. They complained that by her adding them as friends, they had no privacy.

That, she says, was exactly what she had in mind. The Internet is not like listening in on your daughter’s phone calls. These sites are like shark-infested waters, and children who are not yet old enough to make fully mature decisions are floating around like fresh bait. Best to jump in the water and teach yourself how to swim.

It’s Not All Bad
While there are horror stories to tell, social networking sites also have their benefits. The majority of the time, students are keeping in touch with classmates and others who share similar interests. A simple search of MySpace yields dozens of Christian teen discussion groups where students give each other spiritual advice and develop godly friendships. Many youth and youth leaders use sites like Facebook to share announcements and inspiration with their friends and students.

These sites also serve as hubs for music lovers who want to keep up with their favorite artists, find tour dates, and so forth. The same is true of actors, authors, and virtually any other group of notables. Social sites can be a place to learn more about hobbies and future careers, as well.

The Internet can be a fun, interactive place where kids can grow, explore, and be social butterflies. Just keep in mind that amid the fun connectivity of social networking, some evil does seek to take advantage of that growth and exploration.

Learn everything you can about your teen’s online life and never stop learning. The key to keeping kids safe is an ongoing virtual education.

Julie Fidler is the author of Adventures in Holy Matrimony: For Better or the Absolute Worst (Relevant Books). She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband, Scott.

Article on Parenting Vs. Mentoring...what's the difference??

PARENT POINTERS: Parenting vs. Mentoring (What's the Difference?)

Jeannie Campbell

October 1, 2009

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." - Proverbs 22:6

There comes a time in every parent's life when he or she must accept one unalterable fact: children grow up.

Yes, it varies child by child, but there comes a time when a parent's role is to step back and help them discover independence. One of the best ways to do this is to transition from parenting to mentoring while the child is still in the house.

In other words: to let go.

Parents, by necessity, take on a huge training role. They potty-train a child and teach them how to dress and bathe themselves. They establish rules and help the child understand them. They usher them into the world of academics, instilling in them values of hard work and honesty. They make themselves available to teach the difference between meaningful relationships and fair-weather friends.

A mentoring parent, however, has a different role. A parental mentor is more like a consultant or advisor, always available for direction and guidance, or like a confidante to approach when no one else is trustworthy or understanding. They give less instruction and listen more. They allow children to figure out for themselves how things are rather than tell them outright. They take a "wait and see" approach rather than an "act now, think later" strategy.

Perhaps this can best be illustrated with two examples.

Shelly grew up in a loving home with parents who invested time with her to teach her about life. She enters high school and develops a friendship with Emma, a girl Shelly’s parents don’t approve of because they heard what Emma did to another girl in the school. Shelly’s parents express their disapproval but allow Shelly to keep Emma’s friendship while they observe from a distance. Shelly comes home one evening in tears because she’s learned that Emma was only using her to get in close with Shelly’s guy friend, Jason. Shelly’s parents let her cry and don’t give her an "I told you so" speech. Instead, they ask Shelly what she learned from cultivating Emma’s friendship.

Pauline grew up in a loving home with parents who invested time with her to teach her about life. She enters high school and develops a friendship with Denise, a girl Pauline’s parents don’t approve of because they heard what Denise did to another girl in the school. Pauline’s parents not only express their disapproval, but they forbid Pauline to be friends with Denise. They monitor her cell phone calls, facebook page, and email to make sure Pauline is keeping up her end of their bargain. While Pauline is away at college, though, she meets a girl who reminds her of Denise and they strike up an immediate friendship away from the prying eyes of Pauline’s parents.

No doubt about it. Teens present a challenge. They aren't fully grown, but aren't children either. Even though it's difficult to tamp down our protective instincts, it's better for a teen to make their mistakes while they are still under the wing of mentoring parents. When a child makes their own discoveries instead of simply being told what to do, the lessons they learn stick better and have lasting effects.

Guyland

Here is a great article I found from the Fuller Youth Institute on ministering to guys...I think it also applies to parents of boys and how to help them engage more in conversation and life in general.

http://fulleryouthinstitute.org/2009/08/just-guys/

Teenagers are like porcupines

I was meeting with a parent the other day and we were talking about her daughter. She was expressing the frustration with a teenage girl who seemed to be pushing her away at every turn. After listening for a while this statement came out of my mouth..."teenagers are like porcupines...deep down they want you to hold them and tell them that everything is going to be alright but every time you try you get stuck by their sharp spines." We both had a little laugh over it, but as I thought about the relationships I have with different teens, it is totally accurate.

I think as parents and youth leaders we really need to approach teenagers understanding this fact. It's not that they don't want to be touched deep down where their hearts are. It's just that with all of the hormonal changes, environmental factors and growth stuff happening, they develop these spines that make it nearly impossible to get to the heart without getting stuck. I get stuck all the time...by bad attitudes, walls they put up to keep adults out, teenage drama, misplaced sarcasm, and awkward looks. I honestly don't think any of those things means "keep out"...I think what it means is that I have to try harder to connect. I think it means that I have to study them, like I would look at a porcupine that I might want to touch, so I can see the places where the spines aren't so sharp or close together. And over time, the spines tend to get more and more dull and I can speak more and more into their lives without getting stuck by any of those things I mentioned.

I'm not sure that those spines ever go away. I know that I still have some and I'm 32 years old. But I think as we really get to know our kids and are persistent in the way we love them (relentless pursuit, just like God pursues us), we learn to navigate the sticky parts and are able to get close again.

Living with Teenagers

As we all know, living with teenagers can be difficult. Pastor Tom showed me this link earlier today and I wanted to share it with our parents. It's a magazine that is focused on different aspects of living with teenagers. It is put out by LifeWay, which is a very reputable source for Christian books, magazines and media sources. Check it out.
http://www.lifeway.com/lwc/mainpage/0%2C1701%2CM%25253D201020%2C00.html

Graduation

I know I have been sparse in updating the blog the past few weeks, but the end of May/beginning of June is always a crazy time. After all, it's the end of something and the beginning of something all in one. In the past two weeks I've been to 3 graduation ceremonies and numerous graduation parties. This weekend we will "graduate" the student ministry seniors with a special "senior edition" of our Sunday morning program. This is always a bitter-sweet time for me as a student minister. I get sad when I think about how over the next three months virtually all of our graduated seniors will launch their new lives...away from this city and our church. And I also get very excited for them as they take their optimistic attitudes off to change the world.

There are a few things I think about every year around this time...and I'd love to share it with you, our parents. The first one is this...time flies! You know this, regardless of whether your child is in 6th grade or 12th grade. Just yesterday you were changing diapers, right? It sure feels like it. But the importance of recognizing that time flies lies in your small window to influence the direction of your child's life. So to this fact I say...don't put off a conversation until tomorrow that you can have today. Before you know it, your 18 year old will be walking out the door to start their adult lives. Most of who your child will become is formed before they are 18, which means it's right now when you speak the most influentially into their lives. So do it. Speak truth to them...even when it seems uncomfortable. Speak love to them...even when they are making mistakes. Speak confidence into them...even when you are uncertain. This time won't last forever.

The second thing I would say is...pray for your kids constantly and talk openly about faith to them. Part of the reason that graduation is bitter-sweet for me is because of a national statistic that you don't hear spoken of very often. Right now in the US, 80% of kids who were actively involved in their youth group and said they would actively pursue faith in college walk away from faith by the end of their college career. Now, I don't tell you that statistic to scare you, but to call you to action. I get to hang out with your kids for 1-2 hours a week, maybe totaling 40 hours a year. You get to hang out with your kids a whole lot more than that. It is proven that kids who talk openly with their families about faith have a much higher rate of pursuing their faith once they hit adulthood. My prayer is that while you have their ear, that you would talk with them about what it means to pursue God in their lives. And pray like crazy for them...that God would become very real to them before they head out into a world that doesn't often celebrate faith.

And the last thing is this...celebrate! Graduation is an amazing time of celebration. I watched tonight as all of the graduates and relatives hugged, smiled and enjoyed the moment. But don't wait until graduation to celebrate your kids. Celebrate them every day. Help them see their value and the value of hard work. Remember...while we are busy making plans for the future, the future comes quickly. Enjoy the moment.

And...congratulations to the class of 2009 (both parents and students)...we are proud of you!!