Teenagers are like porcupines

I was meeting with a parent the other day and we were talking about her daughter. She was expressing the frustration with a teenage girl who seemed to be pushing her away at every turn. After listening for a while this statement came out of my mouth..."teenagers are like porcupines...deep down they want you to hold them and tell them that everything is going to be alright but every time you try you get stuck by their sharp spines." We both had a little laugh over it, but as I thought about the relationships I have with different teens, it is totally accurate.

I think as parents and youth leaders we really need to approach teenagers understanding this fact. It's not that they don't want to be touched deep down where their hearts are. It's just that with all of the hormonal changes, environmental factors and growth stuff happening, they develop these spines that make it nearly impossible to get to the heart without getting stuck. I get stuck all the time...by bad attitudes, walls they put up to keep adults out, teenage drama, misplaced sarcasm, and awkward looks. I honestly don't think any of those things means "keep out"...I think what it means is that I have to try harder to connect. I think it means that I have to study them, like I would look at a porcupine that I might want to touch, so I can see the places where the spines aren't so sharp or close together. And over time, the spines tend to get more and more dull and I can speak more and more into their lives without getting stuck by any of those things I mentioned.

I'm not sure that those spines ever go away. I know that I still have some and I'm 32 years old. But I think as we really get to know our kids and are persistent in the way we love them (relentless pursuit, just like God pursues us), we learn to navigate the sticky parts and are able to get close again.

Living with Teenagers

As we all know, living with teenagers can be difficult. Pastor Tom showed me this link earlier today and I wanted to share it with our parents. It's a magazine that is focused on different aspects of living with teenagers. It is put out by LifeWay, which is a very reputable source for Christian books, magazines and media sources. Check it out.
http://www.lifeway.com/lwc/mainpage/0%2C1701%2CM%25253D201020%2C00.html

Graduation

I know I have been sparse in updating the blog the past few weeks, but the end of May/beginning of June is always a crazy time. After all, it's the end of something and the beginning of something all in one. In the past two weeks I've been to 3 graduation ceremonies and numerous graduation parties. This weekend we will "graduate" the student ministry seniors with a special "senior edition" of our Sunday morning program. This is always a bitter-sweet time for me as a student minister. I get sad when I think about how over the next three months virtually all of our graduated seniors will launch their new lives...away from this city and our church. And I also get very excited for them as they take their optimistic attitudes off to change the world.

There are a few things I think about every year around this time...and I'd love to share it with you, our parents. The first one is this...time flies! You know this, regardless of whether your child is in 6th grade or 12th grade. Just yesterday you were changing diapers, right? It sure feels like it. But the importance of recognizing that time flies lies in your small window to influence the direction of your child's life. So to this fact I say...don't put off a conversation until tomorrow that you can have today. Before you know it, your 18 year old will be walking out the door to start their adult lives. Most of who your child will become is formed before they are 18, which means it's right now when you speak the most influentially into their lives. So do it. Speak truth to them...even when it seems uncomfortable. Speak love to them...even when they are making mistakes. Speak confidence into them...even when you are uncertain. This time won't last forever.

The second thing I would say is...pray for your kids constantly and talk openly about faith to them. Part of the reason that graduation is bitter-sweet for me is because of a national statistic that you don't hear spoken of very often. Right now in the US, 80% of kids who were actively involved in their youth group and said they would actively pursue faith in college walk away from faith by the end of their college career. Now, I don't tell you that statistic to scare you, but to call you to action. I get to hang out with your kids for 1-2 hours a week, maybe totaling 40 hours a year. You get to hang out with your kids a whole lot more than that. It is proven that kids who talk openly with their families about faith have a much higher rate of pursuing their faith once they hit adulthood. My prayer is that while you have their ear, that you would talk with them about what it means to pursue God in their lives. And pray like crazy for them...that God would become very real to them before they head out into a world that doesn't often celebrate faith.

And the last thing is this...celebrate! Graduation is an amazing time of celebration. I watched tonight as all of the graduates and relatives hugged, smiled and enjoyed the moment. But don't wait until graduation to celebrate your kids. Celebrate them every day. Help them see their value and the value of hard work. Remember...while we are busy making plans for the future, the future comes quickly. Enjoy the moment.

And...congratulations to the class of 2009 (both parents and students)...we are proud of you!!

I just ran across this blog today and thought I would share...I think it's amazing the amount of influence parents really do have on their teenagers...

Parenting Teenagers...Part 3 (http://triangularchristianity.wordpress.com/2008/03/21/parenting-teenagers-part-3/)

I’ve said previously that the purpose of parenting is to create biblically wise adults. I’ve also said that even though God is ultimately in control of creating a biblically wise adult, we have a role to play. This begs another question, how much influence do parents really have?

To put it another way that parents of teenagers will appreciate: do teenagers even listen to their parents? Do parents have any influence over their teen? I know that many parents think their teenagers have tuned them out completely, but that just isn’t true!

The Bible thinks that the parents have a lot of influence. This is evident in Deuteronomy 6:4-9 and the famous Provers 22:6 – “Train up a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it.” Proverbs are not guaranteed promises from God, but they are generally true. Thererfore, it is generally true that if a parent attempts to create a biblically wise adult, the child will become a biblically wise adult.

The world of psychology agrees. The University of Minnesota completed a very important study on parenting styles. One of the findings (though I don’t think it is in the previous link), is that parents have about 75% of the influence in their child’s life.

Finally, teenagers agree. Barna’s research published in Real Teens shows that 78% of teens say that parents have “a lot” of influence in their lives. Only 3% said that they have “none.” Compare this to peers (51% say they have a lot of influence) and pastors (30% say they have a lot of influence). By a significant amount, even teenagers say that parents are the number one influence in their lives.

On a side note, notice what this says about youth ministry. Only 30% of teens think pastors have “a lot” of influence. I work with students and I pray that I’m having an impact, but the reality is, parents are number 1. Some parents “farm out” their children’s spiritual development to the church or the youth pastor. I am a firm believer that pastors play a role and that students should be connected to other Christian adults and other Christian teens, but parents maintain primary responsibility and primary influence. Don’t expect someone else do to your job!

So the point of today is this: You have the greatest influence in the life of your teenager. It may not feel like it all the time, but you do. Don’t give up. You have the privilege and the responsibility of molding them into biblically wise adults!

Thinking Orange

Last week our ministry team took a trip down to Atlanta for the Orange Conference. You might be thinking to yourself, what is "orange"? Well, in all reality, it's a color mix between red and yellow! Yes, your 5 year old probably could have told you that. But why is "orange" relevant to children's and youth ministry? That's a little bit trickier to explain...but I'll try.

An interesting fact that is difficult for me to get my mind around is that as a youth minister I get about 40 hours with your kids...PER YEAR!! With some kids I might get a little bit more, and with some a little bit less, but on average, that is the small amount of time I have to influence your kids. You, on the other hand, get about a gazillion hours with your kids each year. Now if we each did our own thing in trying to help your kids become all that God wanted them to be...we would make some impact. But if we could partner together (yellow and red come together) in this thing, the impact would be multiplied. This is what thinking orange is all about.

It's about sharing our time and our resources so that in the end each of our students is well aware of how much God loves them and desires to be in relationship with them. It's about helping them understand that they are able to make a huge impact on this world and in God's kingdom. And it's about caring for our kids in a community of people...because as well all know, it takes a village to raise a child.

The question becomes...what can we accomplish together as we try to influence this next generation to stand up and make a difference in this world for Christ? I am open to suggestions...I am open to your thoughts...I am excited about the possibility...

My recent prayer

A few weeks ago I was sitting with my small group and we were talking about how difficult it is to live out our faith in this culture. What struck me was how nervous my girls were about what God may or may not be doing in them. They were focusing on the places they were failing to live up to God's standards and how often they were sucked into the world's way of doing things.

My first emotion was excitement. It was encouraging to see them making the distinction between God's way of doing things and the world's way of doing things. I was glad that they could see the difference and that they were recognizing the places in their lives where they were falling short.

Now, in teenage world, the difficult thing is that although they recognize there is a distinction between the two worlds, and they even notice the tension that exists, it doesn't mean that they are going to immediately make the changes they know they "should" make. It means that they will live within that contradiction for quite some time before they figure out that they must make a choice between the two worlds. That thought moved me from excitement to a bit of discouragement because I know that they will make many mistakes before they figure out the benefits and beauty of living in the truth of God's Word. I know many of you parents are in this discouragement stage. I know many of you feel this tension for them and feel like there is little that you can do about it.

But from discouragement my mood went straight to hope. I read this passage to the girls, and then have been praying on it ever since. Philippians 1:4-6 says...In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

I love the word "confident". I love that we can be confident of this in our own lives, but also in the lives of our teenagers. Yes, this stage is difficult...yes, it is frustrating...and yes, God will finish what he has started in the lives of our kids. And that is enough to give me tremendous hope. Today my prayer is for you, their parents, that you carry that hope with you as well!!

The Incredible Easter Story

The Easter story...we've all heard it a million times, right? Don't be so sure. I will never again just assume that becuase someone lives in America, or becuase someone has gone to church their whole lives that they know the story of Jesus' death and resurrection. And I will certianly not assume that they understand all that Jesus did for us through that death and resurrection. Especially not when working with teenagers.

Two quick stories. The first occurred two years ago. I was in a car with a student driving to a soccer game one Saturday afternoon. She was a student who had been around our ministry some, but had not really gotten involved in any of our small groups or discipleship ministry yet. She was a student who had not grown up around church, but surely she knew what Easter was about right? I mean, she had celebrated it every year growing up in an American family. So, I was shocked when I asked her what she thought it was all about and her response was a simple, "I don't know." Wow! Really? You don't know that Easter is about the death and resurrection of Jesus? I suppose I could have understood if she had no clue what that meant for her life...but to not know what it was even about? It threw me off my game a bit. The end of the story is that after that semi-awkward conversation two years ago, this student has accepted Jesus Christ as her savior and has grown a ton in her understanding of who Jesus is. This weekend will be her first Easter as a Christ-follower!!

Second story. I was with a group of teenagers a week ago and asked them if they knew what Palm Sunday was. The answers ranged from "it's about Jesus" to "something that has to do with palm trees." When I pressed them about the rest of the Easter story...they knew some of the basics, but they really didn't know too much about it.

Here's my point. Jesus is the most important figure in history. From a purely secular standpoint we can point to the fact that it is 2009. (If you didn't catch that, our whole dating system changed when Jesus died.) From a Christian standpoint, He is the one on whom our faith hinges. Without the death and resurrection of Jesus, we would have no chance to be with God for eternity. But more and more I notice that our students don't know the story of Easter. They should know the story of Easter.

In the Old Testament, God spoke continuously about the stories that we are to pass on from generation to generation...from a mother and father to their children. We need to be retelling the story. We need to help them to understand the story. We need to be the ones who don't shut up about the story, and how it has impacted our lives. It can make for some very interesting dinner time conversation...so go for it!!

Happy Easter everyone!!