An article from Lifeway Student Ministry...great stuff

Children are not born with instructions. Even if they were, I doubt that many parents would actually read the directions. Most parents, like me, learn from experience. The following four pointers are some principles I’ve used to reduce the parent/teen conflict in my own home and to increase my teen’s involvement in making responsible choices.

Realize Your Own Needs. Parents of teenagers are usually approaching an age of reflection, and this mid-life stage can be a time of personal crisis! Parenting a teen can add to the intensity, as you must face your own issues and those of a budding son or daughter. As a parent, you must come to terms with your own emotions and not transfer these to the challenges of parenting.

Respond Productively to Emotions. Teens are a bundle of emotions, but never discount the vital role of these emotions. Emotions are at the surface, but they offer parents an open line of communication with their teens. This time can assist you in better understanding your teen’s deeper feelings and thoughts.

Too often, parents discount how seriously their teens desire their opinions. Find out what your teen feels is the source of his emotions and talk about it. The source may be real or imagined, but it is serious to him. Choose one meal each day when the family can gather to talk. Use it to build a lasting family tradition.

Focus on Positive Behaviors. Conflicts and disagreements offer an opportunity for parents to help their teen talk through a time of difficulty. This can be a teachable moment for your teen, other siblings, and yourself. They will expect you to criticize what’s wrong, so asking questions and listening can catch a teen off-guard.

A turning point in my own life was when I knew my actions deserved punishment, but my dad responded calmly. We talked through my choices and the natural consequences that would result. This became a defining moment in my own life!

Develop a Plan of Action. Teens have adult bodies with a child’s experience. As a result, they may struggle with knowing how to act on their feelings. The following gives you a way for your teenager to be a partner in developing a plan that you both can agree upon.

Compromise can be a dirty word in theology, but it’s critical in relationships. Parents can move their children toward adulthood by allowing them to negotiate some house rules. This means teaching them to make appropriate choices and weighing rewards and punishments.

Within your expectations, consider what is negotiable: curfews, cell phones, car keys, and so forth. Encourage your teen to begin by praying and to list their wants. You must then explain what you expect. As you talk with your teen, offer possible alternatives and list the punishments for violating the rules.

Once an agreement is reached, put it in writing – signed and dated. This simple exercise can increase communication and reduce conflict.

The front porch may be gone, but the need to talk continues. Allow your experiences and an emphasis on consequences guide you as you guide your teen. Before you know it, you just might have a mature young adult on your hands.


Dr. Larry Purcell is a veteran pastor and counselor, specializing in crisis management and church leadership issues. In addition to being the senior pastor of Second Baptist Church, Hopkinsville, Ky., he also serves as the J.M. Frost associate professor of leadership at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Ky. This article first appeared in the September 2007 issue of Living with Teenagers.

great website

For those of you who have students who will be heading off to college in the next few years, I have a great web-resource for you to help open dialogue with them about real life issues that will face them when they make the move. Just go to www.liveabove.com and check out the different resources available. They have different pages, some for teens and some for parents, to help with the transition. There is also a video-conference you can purchase online with different speakers and topics that are relevant to this transition. Let me know what you think of it.

A new trend to be aware of

This past week two students from a local high school were arrested and questioned in regard to a trend called "sexting". This is a form of texting where students take nude pictures of themselves with their camera phones and then text them out to each other. As parents and mentors of students we really need to be aware of some of the things they are doing and be able to address our concerns about these things with our students. It is very difficult to even buy a phone today that doesn't have a camera on it, and most of our students thrive in communication with texting, but there are a few things parents can do to lessen the chance that their students are invoved in this new battle. First and foremost, talk to your kids about it. Let them know you are aware of what is going on and get their take on it. Open the lines of communication so they are not afraid to come to you if someone were to send them a picture like this. Also let them know your expectations about the types of messages they are sending over text. Having these conversations helps them to know that you are available and open to talking about it. Most teenagers won't want to have the conversation at first, but it is important that you push the issue...not from a "do this...don't do that" mentality, but from the perspective of helping them to see their self-worth and the dangers of getting involved in this type of activity.

As of yet, there are no laws to directly prosecute those who send pictures like this. However, the students who were arrested this week were charged with contributing to the delinquency of minors and the prosecutor is looking to head a charge to get some laws passed directly dealing with this type of behavior.

I also have attached a link to a story from the Today Show about a local teen who hung herself last year after being harassed by a group of students over some pictures she sent to her boyfriend that got out. This is a serious issue that we need to address with our teens!! Please let me know if you'd like more information about it.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/29546030/

A Few Questions To Ask

Like I said last week...in order to lead our teenagers to spiritual maturity, we've got to model this to them out of our own lives. I wanted to toss out a few questions you might be able to ask yourself about your own spiritual life in order to influcence your teenager.

* When my kids look at me, are they learning what it means to love God with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength?

* Do they see me trusting God for guidance and wisdom as I plan the future, run my business, manage my home, and so on?

* Do they see me turning to God when I'm anxious, troubled, or ill?

* Do they see me living out my commitment to Christ by spending time reading and studying the Bible?

* Do they know that prayer is an important part of my life?

* Are they see God as central to my thoughts and actions or just on Sunday morning?

* Do they see a faith that is integrated into every area of my life, including my relationships, my vocation, my spending decisions, my use of leisure time, how I play, and so on?

* Do they see me care for family, neighbors, friends, and the "lepers and outcasts" of the world?

We all have wishes, dreams, hopes and desires for what our kids will become. When you dream about your kids' spiritual futures, don't forget they're learning what place spirituality and faith should hold in their lives - from you.

Eugene Peterson describes it this way: "A parent's main job is not to be a parent, but to be a person. There are no techniques to master that will make a good parent. There is no book to read that will give the right answers. The parent's main task is to be vulnerable in a living demonstration that adulthood is full, alive, and Christian."